I came across a tweet I wrote very many months ago. . . probably a year ago and it says ‘Anything that makes me need God is a blessing.’ I did a double take because right now where I am in my life is not exactly a rosy place. And I have been complaining and whining (internally mostly) to God about how I hate where I am and what not. And it’s funny because I have been whining to HIM! Haha! So that statement makes sense in a weird way. I mean, if everything was actually rosy, then I wouldn’t have given my God the time of day. What is sadder than that?
The #1 song the day I was born was Chicago’s Look Away. I’ve never heard this song before and it’s about heartbreak so, no it does not relate to my personality. Or if ‘looking away’ has got something to do with pride then maybe it does? Anyways, I was born on my country’s independence day. That’s enough to make me feel special :D. I’m easy like that. That said I wish I could sit down (or cradle?) ‘just-born’ me and tell her how things are going to play out. You know prepare that little kid for what’s coming coz a lot’s coming! So. .
Dear 1988 me,
Pretty pretty please don’t you ever ever feel like you’re less than, less than perfect! You’ll be called names, put down, understimated, used and abused, abandoned, misunderstood and let down. Don’t let it get to you. Don’t hide who you are. Don’t apologize for being you. You are unique and valuable. There’s literally no one else like you in this whole planet! A lot of things will happen in your life that you won’t understand but it will all come together when the time is right. Laugh at your failures, don’t dwell on them. They’ll teach what no one else can. Grow and thrive from them. Don’t be afraid to love, to be vulnerable, to question. You’ll be surprised at the beautiful people you’ll meet along the way. Some will hurt you. Deeply. But this world is chock full of hurting people so don’t ever throw hurt back at someone. ‘Compassion cures more sin than condemnation’, remember that. The truth is, you will hurt people too, even when you have the best of intentions. Don’t let the pain you’ll experience rule your life because you’ll forget to see the ones who care for you and love you, just as you are! All complicated, difficult and extremely flawed. Most of all The Maker loves you! So Live Like You’re Loved!
I know I won’t live forever. At least not on earth. As I grow older I’m always looking to achieve the next best thing. Whatever that is. At twenty six, I am not where I thought I would be. But in the defense of younger me, the world was supposed to have ended by the time I was twenty. I mean, come on, all those years? I was supposed to be a kid forever. I guess time didn’t get the memo. So, here I am making serious life decisions. Being one of those ‘uncool, boring’ grown ups. Never having the time to just live. Always worrying about where the money for this and that will come from. Never stopping to think about the blessings I have. Always hurrying to decide what I should be doing to increase my ‘value’ and my worth. Never satisfied. Always exhausted.
I miss the simplicity of my childhood. The assurance I had that everything would be okay as long as those I love are around me. Never having to worry about meals, or rent or bills or anything. These were taken care of. I used to wonder why adults couldn’t spend their money on fun things like icecream and candy. I was so sure I was gonna be a ‘different’ kind of adult. A cool one. The kind that buys chocolate at every store visit, (Haha! I can’t remember the last time I ate chocolate!). My kids were gonna have the best parent in the world!! The only candy my adult self is enjoying is Candy Crush. Yeah. The game. But what did I know about boring adults and coolness?
I will have truly lived when I manage to find the balance between the child and the adult in me. To live inspite of the chaos. To take a moment to appreciate the things I used to notice. To know when to be serious and when to goof off. I think forevers on earth are just a balancing act.