I came across a tweet I wrote very many months ago. . . probably a year ago and it says ‘Anything that makes me need God is a blessing.’ I did a double take because right now where I am in my life is not exactly a rosy place. And I have been complaining and whining (internally mostly) to God about how I hate where I am and what not. And it’s funny because I have been whining to HIM! Haha! So that statement makes sense in a weird way. I mean, if everything was actually rosy, then I wouldn’t have given my God the time of day. What is sadder than that?
You constantly think about him nowadays.When you wake up, when you’re washing the dishes, when you listen to music, when you read, when you go to sleep. It’s addictive and exciting and exhausting and frustrating. What is he doing? What is he thinking? What is he feeling? Does he think about you as much? Does everything remind him of you? You’re always hoping that when a message comes in, that it’s from him. Maybe he’ll ask how you’re doing or what you’re up to or if you’d like to do something together. You ask yourself when you became this person, this day-dreamy, fantasy-making, moon-addled person. It’s not like he’s that good looking.
These feelings don’t make sense. I mean, is he even your type? Do you even have a type? Does he have any idea how much he has intruded into your world? The once calm and peaceful space that was your own? Does he have any idea? You have a relationship with the guy in your head. The one you have built, except with his face. Sometimes you want to throw him out yet most of the time you’re glad he’s there.
You hope there’s someone with your face in his head too. Haunting his days like a pleasant and strange ghost. Until you meet him again, you entertain his ghost. You do not tell a single soul because you don’t understand it and maybe you never will. But if he’s not telling then you’re not telling too.
Earth to whoever you are today. Why are you trying to hide behind those fake excuses? Come out of your cave and see what’s outside. Stop trying to be something you’re not. Molding yourself until it hurts.
Why are you trying to make yourself something you’re not? Shutting out the voices that want to come out so badly. The ones that slip out when you’re alone and happy. Do you even know what happiness feels like anymore? You can’t keep changing yourself so they can be comfortable. Give them a chance to change to make you comfortable.
For goodness sake just be you! Can you do that? Can you bring yourself back?
Once there was a tree….
and she loved a little boy.
And everyday the boy would come
and he would gather her leaves
and make them into crowns
and play king of the forest.
He would climb up her trunk
and swing from her branches
and eat apples.
And they would play hide-and-go-seek.
And when he was tired,
he would sleep in her shade.
And the boy loved the tree….
And the tree was happy.
But time went by.
And the boy grew older.
And the tree was often alone.
Then one day the boy came to the tree
and the tree said, “Come, Boy, come and
climb up my trunk and swing from my
branches and eat apples and play in my
shade and be happy.”
“I am too big to climb and play” said
“I want to buy things and have fun.
I want some money?”
“I’m sorry,” said the tree, “but I
have no money.
I have only leaves and apples.
Take my apples, Boy, and sell them in
the city. Then you will have money and
you will be happy.”
And so the boy climbed up the
tree and gathered her apples
and carried them away.
And the tree was happy.
But the boy stayed away for a long time….
and the tree was sad.
And then one day the boy came back
and the tree shook with joy
and she said, “Come, Boy, climb up my trunk
and swing from my branches and be happy.”
“I am too busy to climb trees,” said the boy.
“I want a house to keep me warm,” he said.
“I want a wife and I want children,
and so I need a house.
Can you give me a house ?”
” I have no house,” said the tree.
“The forest is my house,
but you may cut off
my branches and build a
house. Then you will be happy.”
And so the boy cut off her branches
and carried them away
to build his house.
And the tree was happy.
But the boy stayed away for a long time.
And when he came back,
the tree was so happy
she could hardly speak.
“Come, Boy,” she whispered,
“come and play.”
“I am too old and sad to play,”
said the boy.
“I want a boat that will
take me far away from here.
Can you give me a boat?”
“Cut down my trunk
and make a boat,” said the tree.
“Then you can sail away…
and be happy.”
And so the boy cut down her trunk
and made a boat and sailed away.
And the tree was happy …
but not really.
And after a long time
the boy came back again.
“I am sorry, Boy,”
said the tree,” but I have nothing
left to give you –
My apples are gone.”
“My teeth are too weak
for apples,” said the boy.
“My branches are gone,”
said the tree. ” You
cannot swing on them – ”
“I am too old to swing
on branches,” said the boy.
“My trunk is gone, ” said the tree.
“You cannot climb – ”
“I am too tired to climb” said the boy.
“I am sorry,” sighed the tree.
“I wish that I could give you something….
but I have nothing left.
I am just an old stump.
I am sorry….”
“I don’t need very much now,” said the boy.
“just a quiet place to sit and rest.
I am very tired.”
“Well,” said the tree, straightening
herself up as much as she could,
“well, an old stump is good for sitting and resting
Come, Boy, sit down. Sit down and rest.
“And the boy did. And the tree was happy.
Grateful for all the “Giving Trees” in my life. 🙂
I am longing for a change, for this to be a bad dream, for peace of heart and mind, for a sweet escape, for things to get better and hopefully stay like that, for a happily ever after, for a world that actually cares about its people, for a chance to show that I can do it, for someone who will understand me, for the day I’ll not be judged based on ignorance, for the day I become a normal human being, for that glorious moment when I enter through the pearly gates. . .
For now I accept my lot in life.
I am good at keeping secrets. Well, most of the time. Not because I keep my word or from some sense of loyalty or goodwill, its kind of just by default. Meaning, I’m a very quiet person, something I’m constantly being reminded of lately, so if you tell me to ‘not tell anybody’ its like, who am I going to tell anyway? Nevermind that a secret shouldn’t be between two people because then its not even a secret anymore, its shared information right?
I like to think that people feel comfortable sharing intimate details of their lives with me because they trust me or something but for the most part, I know its because the ‘shared info’ will not get past the wall that is my teeth. Truestory. And also because I think gossip is the most stupid thing in this world. Its petty and never adds value, on the contrary it just fires unnecessary flames. I don’t have time for that. Well, most of the time.
I begun my year with high expectations. That my life would be different going forward. That I would be more responsible for it and make decisions that are good for me. That I would take risks and try out new things because I don’t want to end up old and full of regrets. That going forward I was going to be more proactive in terms of chasing my dreams, even when I’m being called crazy or stupid. That ‘they’ were going to wish they were on my side. Many weeks down the line and I’m just exhausted! Chasing dreams is a good thing I guess but I feel so unprepared for the harsh realities of life. How unforgiving and truly hard it is. How we might start things with the best of intentions yet get utterly disappointed in the end. How even when we are sure we are winning or are going to win, the ones who told you that you were being foolish were actually right. How maybe some decisions we make come from a place of foolish pride rather than wisdom or resolve.
All I’m saying is risks are great. They make you feel and experience things you never imagined. They push you to go places you never thought you’d reach. They make you do things you never thought you could do. But sometimes playing it safe is not a bad idea. Sometimes its okay to lose, to have your tail between your legs and admit that maybe you’re not cut out for some things. It’s okay to take a step back before you leap.
Every girl gets to the point when they absolutely stop mentioning their age to anybody. For me I guess this one is it. I think I’m still spinning from the speed at which I got here. I mean just the other day I was turning 20 with such great hopes and dreams for the future. And if I’m being honest, I’m not where I would have wanted to be at 27. Ideally by now I should have had a great job, accomplished some great degrees, married to a great husband and have at least one great kid. But you know, life kinda just happens and you can actually get to 27 and never having been on a date. Like, it’s real. Anyway, I thank God for the far I have come, and for the small victories I have experienced thanks to Him. Because as much as I may not like where I am in terms of the plans I had for myself, I’m still here and that means something. There’s sadly alot of people who didn’t make it to their 27th birthdays.
I am slowly learning the value of living each day as it comes and enjoying the moment. It’s something we are frequently told to do yet we seldom heed this advice. We are constantly seeking the next big thing for our lives. Always striving and striving but never really stepping back to take stock and try to weigh out what’s really important. What really deserves our time and energy. As I get into 2016, God willing, I hope I take the lessons I have learnt from past mistakes and be better because sometimes we make routine mistakes because of the fear of the unknown or because we don’t want to get out of the comfort zone. Life truly is about taking risks and I guess we just need to weigh the risks in terms of which ones are worth it.
Fear is a good thing; I like the quote that says ‘Courage is not the absence of fear but the ability to continue in spite of it.’ I have made way too many decisions based on fear than I’d like to admit and I hope this is something that changes. Or at least I’m working to change it. Especially in terms of my faith, I have been challenged to step out in faith instead of fear and to attempt great things for God because this world badly needs people who are not afraid to make a difference. Even if the difference is small, the impact will most probably have a lasting effect.
So in my new year, I want to be less selfish and more giving. ‘He must become greater; I must become less.’
I used to hate myself. I think maybe I still do. At least most of the time. For being ‘different’. The weird one or the odd one out. I stick out like a sore thumb for all the wrong if not unfortunate reasons. My labels thus far have been, ‘too quiet’, ‘strange’, ‘weird’, and other wordless body language related expressions.
For a world that’s constantly telling us to ‘be ourselves’ I just can’t seem to find the version of ‘myself’ that’s best suited for it. I tried speaking out more but then I was told to stop trying too hard. So I stayed quiet but then I was told to be more ‘out there’. I’ve told myself, maybe they just don’t get me. I should give it time or maybe I can change this one thing about myself and it’ll be better. Well it’s not getting better. And as I grow older this whole ‘editing-who-I-am’ thing is just wearing me out. I don’t know who ‘myself’ is. Sometimes I wish people had brains that pre explained a person. So we’d all just stop acting like we’re trying to prove something. For goodness sake, its exhausting! I’m exhausted.
I want to not care what people think about me but I need these same people to actually have a life. And it’s hard to go and get life with all this background noise. Wasting time trying to achieve an unclear state of ‘normal’.
So first impressions are important but also be unique because there’s no one else like you. There’s no one else like me. I find that statement funny. . .
‘Bang! Bang!’ it exploded! Right behind the backyard fence. Me and Jonathan quickly duck and grab the washing basin. Awkwardly crouching as we stare at each other wondering when they’ll jump in. Then she comes in, hearing the screaming from our eyes, and just like that, throws back her head and laughs.
‘Shhhhhhh!’ we say.
‘Guys, its diwali!’