Tag Archives: adult

Adulting

The thing about being an adult who doesn’t have it all together is that you’re an adult who doesn’t have it all together and almost everyone you meet will remind of you this and it is the hardest and sometimes most humiliating place to be. You find yourself constantly feeling like you have to prove yourself or explain away why you’re where you are and trying to convince everyone, if not yourself, that everything will turn out great! You’ll see! Urgh! Most of the time you wish disappearing was an option. Like literally disappearing into the thin invisible air because that’s all you want to be, invisible, non-existent, unknown.

Being vulnerable is hard and terrifying just as it is hard and sometimes terrifying to be around vulnerable people because both parties have an awkward air about them. Trying to do and say the right things in an effort to make the situation less uncomfortable and albeit more pleasant and optimistic. I may be going through what some may term as a quarter life crisis. And not in a graceful way if I might add. It is hard to wake up every morning and literally just hate the fact that you exist! I never thought that being born could feel like the most unfair thing that can happen. That sounds terrible but its true. I was born into a family of high achievers, surrounded by people who knew exactly what they wanted and how they were going to go about getting it. Yet none of that rubbed off on me! Sometimes its exhausting to give yourself pep talks every damn morning. Trying to get the universe to respond to the fact that I really do want things to be better and so start making things work out already!

Anyway, in light of world events, I guess I shouldn’t complain. I should count my blessings and appreciate the fact that I’m still here. And if I am still here then I am meant to be here so, Dear Me, get it together!

CANDY CRUSH AND FOREVERS

I know I won’t live forever. At least not on earth. As I grow older I’m always looking to achieve the next best thing. Whatever that is. At twenty six, I am not where I thought I would be. But in the defense of younger me, the world was supposed to have ended by the time I was twenty. I mean, come on, all those years? I was supposed to be a kid forever. I guess time didn’t get the memo. So, here I am making serious life decisions. Being one of those ‘uncool, boring’ grown ups. Never having the time to just live. Always worrying about where the money for this and that will come from. Never stopping to think about the blessings I have. Always hurrying to decide what I should be doing to increase my ‘value’ and my worth. Never satisfied. Always exhausted.

I miss the simplicity of my childhood. The assurance I had that everything would be okay as long as those I love are around me. Never having to worry about meals, or rent or bills or anything. These were taken care of. I used to wonder why adults couldn’t spend their money on fun things like icecream and candy. I was so sure I was gonna be a ‘different’ kind of adult. A cool one. The kind that buys chocolate at every store visit, (Haha! I can’t remember the last time I ate chocolate!). My kids were gonna have the best parent in the world!! The only candy my adult self is enjoying is Candy Crush. Yeah. The game. But what did I know about boring adults and coolness?

I will have truly lived when I manage to find the balance between the child and the adult in me. To live inspite of the chaos. To take a moment to appreciate the things I used to notice. To know when to be serious and when to goof off. I think forevers on earth are just a balancing act.

Golden Age