She was always the one in the background. Observing and obedient. Never raised her voice to object or dissent. Quiet as a mouse with an aura of meekness. Sometimes people would be amazed at how peaceful she seemed, always calm even when everything around her was in a shambles but even then they could never really see what went on beneath her cool exterior. The way her mind was constantly turning, this way and that. Trying to figure out life and living it the best way she knew how.
There were days she felt so hopeful and awake she thought she would burst yet there were others that left her drained, angry and tired that all she wanted was to simply melt and disappear. Things never got easier for her and this was made even harder by the fact that most people assumed that she was weak and undeserving and yet she woke up every single day and lived. Inspite of the negativity, the noise, the defeat, the failure, the unshakable feeling of hopelessness. She got up and tried even when she got ridiculed and rejected. She felt that she owed it to herself to at least try. To try and make things work. To try and be somebody in this world and not merely exist. To try and show others that she had a right to be here too. Just as they were.
She still tries. She still falls. But she has learned to find the beauty in these ‘failures’. To take them as experiences that will build her and help her to become better if not the best. Row your boat gently down the stream dear, life is but a dream.
Every girl gets to the point when they absolutely stop mentioning their age to anybody. For me I guess this one is it. I think I’m still spinning from the speed at which I got here. I mean just the other day I was turning 20 with such great hopes and dreams for the future. And if I’m being honest, I’m not where I would have wanted to be at 27. Ideally by now I should have had a great job, accomplished some great degrees, married to a great husband and have at least one great kid. But you know, life kinda just happens and you can actually get to 27 and never having been on a date. Like, it’s real. Anyway, I thank God for the far I have come, and for the small victories I have experienced thanks to Him. Because as much as I may not like where I am in terms of the plans I had for myself, I’m still here and that means something. There’s sadly alot of people who didn’t make it to their 27th birthdays.
I am slowly learning the value of living each day as it comes and enjoying the moment. It’s something we are frequently told to do yet we seldom heed this advice. We are constantly seeking the next big thing for our lives. Always striving and striving but never really stepping back to take stock and try to weigh out what’s really important. What really deserves our time and energy. As I get into 2016, God willing, I hope I take the lessons I have learnt from past mistakes and be better because sometimes we make routine mistakes because of the fear of the unknown or because we don’t want to get out of the comfort zone. Life truly is about taking risks and I guess we just need to weigh the risks in terms of which ones are worth it.
Fear is a good thing; I like the quote that says ‘Courage is not the absence of fear but the ability to continue in spite of it.’ I have made way too many decisions based on fear than I’d like to admit and I hope this is something that changes. Or at least I’m working to change it. Especially in terms of my faith, I have been challenged to step out in faith instead of fear and to attempt great things for God because this world badly needs people who are not afraid to make a difference. Even if the difference is small, the impact will most probably have a lasting effect.
So in my new year, I want to be less selfish and more giving. ‘He must become greater; I must become less.’