I love Psalm 139:13-14a. It says, ‘For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.’
It is so easy to read this verse and not fully grasp how awesome it is. Each and every one of us is uniquely created. God intentionally and carefully thought about and created each and every one of us! Even our personalities, (my inmost being) were intentionally created by Him! Isn’t it beautiful that every individual has a unique aspect of God that only they can bring out? In a world that is obsessed with comparison, it is always so refreshing for me to remember this verse and just marvel at how much freedom and joy it represents. We need not stifle who we are and we need not stifle who others are because when we do that, we all miss out on something only they can bring to the table.
Sometimes looking at people as God’s unique creation helps me become more interested in finding out who they are. It helps me to appreciate and love them and most of all it helps me to appreciate who God made me to be. Every so often I am tempted to compare myself to others and whether it’s because they have something I wish I had or because I think I have something they don’t, I usually end up dealing with envy or pride. This verse is such an important reminder that our differences are actually beautiful!
Photo Credit: Ministry Ark
Sometimes it is hard for her to see past the pain and anger. Yet sometimes she seems to rise above it. As if something inside of her reminds her that she is way more than that. Because even though her experiences define her, she really wants to define herself. She has come to discover that it requires a special kind of strength. A special kind of stubbornness if you will. From a lifetime of hearing what people have to say about her, through not-so-many words, it took her to long to find out that she doesn’t have to take it all in. And since then she has started to see the beauty in things she paid no attention to. She has started to see the beauty inside of her. Sometimes she smiles by herself, enjoying her own company, her own dance and her own music. She has decided to make her own rules, her own goals, her own ambitions. She is rooting for herself. And she will win.
When life gets challenging we often tend to start questioning the meaning of it all. We ask the whys and the what ifs. Needless to say, when things are going good we tend to take quite a lot of things for granted. And maybe that’s why our low points are so important. They remind us to be more grateful and thoughtful. To recognize the fact that things are not always smooth sailing so that when the good times come around we can have a genuine sense of enjoyment.
I have learnt the greatest lessons in my life from the most difficult moments. After my father died, I learnt to appreciate my loved ones. To realize that they’re not going to be around forever and so I treasure the memories I make with them. Losing a job and being flat broke taught me to be kind to those who do not have as much as I do. To share what little I have because even that little makes such a huge difference. From a nasty bullying experience at work I learnt to be compassionate and to speak up for those who are considered less or small because unfortunately, there’s people who prey on the weak and voiceless. Getting rejected taught me to be graceful even in the most humiliating of circumstances because the world is actually quite small and you never know when or how you’ll meet someone again.
Failing taught me the value of hard work and discipline, to give everything my all no matter the outcome. To quiet the voices that mock your effort. Because in the end, these hard times shape you and you come out better and stronger because of them. So even in life’s painful moments, there’s the hope that we are being prepared for something bigger than ourselves. So don’t pray for an easy life, pray for one that can change others.
At the end of the day, she wants someone who is not afraid to admit what they’re feeling. Someone brave enough to go for what they want. Someone who knows where he is going and how to get there. If he is filled with doubts then who’s to guess the day they’ll clear? Is she expected to be sure for him? Is she expected to be the one that reassures him whenever he wants to run? She is tired of having to bear the burden of thinking for him. Feeling for him. What more can she do then? She was taught that he has to be the one that fights for her. The one that chases her and captures her heart. But how many have chased her when she’d rather not run? And how many has she foolishly waited for and never gave her a
fighting chance? a running chance?
To be or not to be. He loves me; he loves me not. How long does she have to wait before her magical story happens? What if it will never happen, will it be her fault? Will she be sad and alone many years down the line thinking about the shoulda coulda wouldas? Maybe she’s put unrealistic expectations on him. Maybe deep down, she doesn’t know what she wants either. Maybe that’s why she wants him to be sure. So he will clear her doubts for her. To be the one that reassures her when she wants to run. To bear the burden of thinking for her. To feel for her. Or maybe she will not care what happens one way or the other. It will be his loss. Right?
She was always the one in the background. Observing and obedient. Never raised her voice to object or dissent. Quiet as a mouse with an aura of meekness. Sometimes people would be amazed at how peaceful she seemed, always calm even when everything around her was in a shambles but even then they could never really see what went on beneath her cool exterior. The way her mind was constantly turning, this way and that. Trying to figure out life and living it the best way she knew how.
There were days she felt so hopeful and awake she thought she would burst yet there were others that left her drained, angry and tired that all she wanted was to simply melt and disappear. Things never got easier for her and this was made even harder by the fact that most people assumed that she was weak and undeserving and yet she woke up every single day and lived. Inspite of the negativity, the noise, the defeat, the failure, the unshakable feeling of hopelessness. She got up and tried even when she got ridiculed and rejected. She felt that she owed it to herself to at least try. To try and make things work. To try and be somebody in this world and not merely exist. To try and show others that she had a right to be here too. Just as they were.
She still tries. She still falls. But she has learned to find the beauty in these ‘failures’. To take them as experiences that will build her and help her to become better if not the best. Row your boat gently down the stream dear, life is but a dream.
There’s so much I can feel angry at. So much I wish was different. In my life. In the world. Everywhere really. So much pent up frustrations over everything that has or will go wrong. Over the injustices I see happening. There’s days I want to just sit down and sulk. Just because everything is so exhausting. Everyone is so exhausting. There can’t possibly be a silver lining. Or so it seems. But unless being angry pushes me to positive action then what good is it? Thinking about this makes me angry too.
There’s too much darkness. Too much despair.
You constantly think about him nowadays.When you wake up, when you’re washing the dishes, when you listen to music, when you read, when you go to sleep. It’s addictive and exciting and exhausting and frustrating. What is he doing? What is he thinking? What is he feeling? Does he think about you as much? Does everything remind him of you? You’re always hoping that when a message comes in, that it’s from him. Maybe he’ll ask how you’re doing or what you’re up to or if you’d like to do something together. You ask yourself when you became this person, this day-dreamy, fantasy-making, moon-addled person. It’s not like he’s that good looking.
These feelings don’t make sense. I mean, is he even your type? Do you even have a type? Does he have any idea how much he has intruded into your world? The once calm and peaceful space that was your own? Does he have any idea? You have a relationship with the guy in your head. The one you have built, except with his face. Sometimes you want to throw him out yet most of the time you’re glad he’s there.
You hope there’s someone with your face in his head too. Haunting his days like a pleasant and strange ghost. Until you meet him again, you entertain his ghost. You do not tell a single soul because you don’t understand it and maybe you never will. But if he’s not telling then you’re not telling too.
Earth to whoever you are today. Why are you trying to hide behind those fake excuses? Come out of your cave and see what’s outside. Stop trying to be something you’re not. Molding yourself until it hurts.
Why are you trying to make yourself something you’re not? Shutting out the voices that want to come out so badly. The ones that slip out when you’re alone and happy. Do you even know what happiness feels like anymore? You can’t keep changing yourself so they can be comfortable. Give them a chance to change to make you comfortable.
For goodness sake just be you! Can you do that? Can you bring yourself back?
I am longing for a change, for this to be a bad dream, for peace of heart and mind, for a sweet escape, for things to get better and hopefully stay like that, for a happily ever after, for a world that actually cares about its people, for a chance to show that I can do it, for someone who will understand me, for the day I’ll not be judged based on ignorance, for the day I become a normal human being, for that glorious moment when I enter through the pearly gates. . .
For now I accept my lot in life.
I am good at keeping secrets. Well, most of the time. Not because I keep my word or from some sense of loyalty or goodwill, its kind of just by default. Meaning, I’m a very quiet person, something I’m constantly being reminded of lately, so if you tell me to ‘not tell anybody’ its like, who am I going to tell anyway? Nevermind that a secret shouldn’t be between two people because then its not even a secret anymore, its shared information right?
I like to think that people feel comfortable sharing intimate details of their lives with me because they trust me or something but for the most part, I know its because the ‘shared info’ will not get past the wall that is my teeth. Truestory. And also because I think gossip is the most stupid thing in this world. Its petty and never adds value, on the contrary it just fires unnecessary flames. I don’t have time for that. Well, most of the time.