Tag Archives: failure

Expectations

hope

My life so far hasn’t turned out the way I expected it to. There’s a lot I wish was different or better or non-existent. I find myself sometimes wondering when did this happen to me? How exactly did I get here? Sometimes I can’t help but compare myself to others my age or my peers. And as expected I start to wallow in self-pity. Thinking things like,’Why can’t I have what she has?’ ‘If only I grew up where she did!’ on and on and on. Yet as I whine and complain, time still stubbornly keeps going and I am scared I will turn 50 and I’ll still be complaining about how much my life sucks.

I guess it’s true that we shape our own destiny or whatever but sometimes I can’t help but feel angry at how much circumstances play a huge role in what direction our lives take. All the same, it should not be an excuse for us not to hope and to want and expect more of ourselves. I am teaching myself to hope even when I am utterly confused about what direction I should take.We live in a world obsessed with theories about what we should have accomplished within a certain time frame but we must remember to be patient with ourselves. To brace for the unannounced storms that turn our lives and progress upside down. Because as cliche as it sounds, we truly grow from our failures and even much so when we learn to accept them and move on. So even in my angry frustration, I slowly trudge towards a seemingly undefined future. With hope as big as Everest because I owe it to myself to believe that things can get better and they will. I just have to keep on keeping on.

I may not be following society’s recommended schedule in the story that is my life, but it is my story in the end. Maybe someday I’ll look back at this time and I’ll say, ‘I’m so glad I went through that.’

Someday

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Keep Moving

She was always the one in the background. Observing and obedient. Never raised her voice to object or dissent. Quiet as a mouse with an aura of meekness. Sometimes people would be amazed at how peaceful she seemed, always calm even when everything around her was in a shambles but even then they could never really see what went on beneath her cool exterior. The way her mind was constantly turning, this way and that. Trying to figure out life and living it the best way she knew how.

There were days she felt so hopeful and awake she thought she would burst yet there were others that left her drained, angry and tired that all she wanted was to simply melt and disappear. Things never got easier for her and this was made even harder by the fact that most people assumed that she was weak and undeserving and yet she woke up every single day and lived. Inspite of the negativity, the noise, the defeat, the failure, the unshakable feeling of hopelessness. She got up and tried even when she got ridiculed and rejected. She felt that she owed it to herself to at least try. To try and make things work. To try and be somebody in this world and not merely exist. To try and show others that she had a right to be here too. Just as they were.

She still tries. She still falls. But she has learned to find the beauty in these ‘failures’. To take them as experiences that will build her and help her to become better if not the best. Row your boat gently down the stream dear, life is but a dream.

Stubborn