At the end of the day, she wants someone who is not afraid to admit what they’re feeling. Someone brave enough to go for what they want. Someone who knows where he is going and how to get there. If he is filled with doubts then who’s to guess the day they’ll clear? Is she expected to be sure for him? Is she expected to be the one that reassures him whenever he wants to run? She is tired of having to bear the burden of thinking for him. Feeling for him. What more can she do then? She was taught that he has to be the one that fights for her. The one that chases her and captures her heart. But how many have chased her when she’d rather not run? And how many has she foolishly waited for and never gave her a
fighting chance? a running chance?
To be or not to be. He loves me; he loves me not. How long does she have to wait before her magical story happens? What if it will never happen, will it be her fault? Will she be sad and alone many years down the line thinking about the shoulda coulda wouldas? Maybe she’s put unrealistic expectations on him. Maybe deep down, she doesn’t know what she wants either. Maybe that’s why she wants him to be sure. So he will clear her doubts for her. To be the one that reassures her when she wants to run. To bear the burden of thinking for her. To feel for her. Or maybe she will not care what happens one way or the other. It will be his loss. Right?
The thing about being an adult who doesn’t have it all together is that you’re an adult who doesn’t have it all together and almost everyone you meet will remind of you this and it is the hardest and sometimes most humiliating place to be. You find yourself constantly feeling like you have to prove yourself or explain away why you’re where you are and trying to convince everyone, if not yourself, that everything will turn out great! You’ll see! Urgh! Most of the time you wish disappearing was an option. Like literally disappearing into the thin invisible air because that’s all you want to be, invisible, non-existent, unknown.
Being vulnerable is hard and terrifying just as it is hard and sometimes terrifying to be around vulnerable people because both parties have an awkward air about them. Trying to do and say the right things in an effort to make the situation less uncomfortable and albeit more pleasant and optimistic. I may be going through what some may term as a quarter life crisis. And not in a graceful way if I might add. It is hard to wake up every morning and literally just hate the fact that you exist! I never thought that being born could feel like the most unfair thing that can happen. That sounds terrible but its true. I was born into a family of high achievers, surrounded by people who knew exactly what they wanted and how they were going to go about getting it. Yet none of that rubbed off on me! Sometimes its exhausting to give yourself pep talks every damn morning. Trying to get the universe to respond to the fact that I really do want things to be better and so start making things work out already!
Anyway, in light of world events, I guess I shouldn’t complain. I should count my blessings and appreciate the fact that I’m still here. And if I am still here then I am meant to be here so, Dear Me, get it together!