She was always the one in the background. Observing and obedient. Never raised her voice to object or dissent. Quiet as a mouse with an aura of meekness. Sometimes people would be amazed at how peaceful she seemed, always calm even when everything around her was in a shambles but even then they could never really see what went on beneath her cool exterior. The way her mind was constantly turning, this way and that. Trying to figure out life and living it the best way she knew how.
There were days she felt so hopeful and awake she thought she would burst yet there were others that left her drained, angry and tired that all she wanted was to simply melt and disappear. Things never got easier for her and this was made even harder by the fact that most people assumed that she was weak and undeserving and yet she woke up every single day and lived. Inspite of the negativity, the noise, the defeat, the failure, the unshakable feeling of hopelessness. She got up and tried even when she got ridiculed and rejected. She felt that she owed it to herself to at least try. To try and make things work. To try and be somebody in this world and not merely exist. To try and show others that she had a right to be here too. Just as they were.
She still tries. She still falls. But she has learned to find the beauty in these ‘failures’. To take them as experiences that will build her and help her to become better if not the best. Row your boat gently down the stream dear, life is but a dream.
The thing about being an adult who doesn’t have it all together is that you’re an adult who doesn’t have it all together and almost everyone you meet will remind of you this and it is the hardest and sometimes most humiliating place to be. You find yourself constantly feeling like you have to prove yourself or explain away why you’re where you are and trying to convince everyone, if not yourself, that everything will turn out great! You’ll see! Urgh! Most of the time you wish disappearing was an option. Like literally disappearing into the thin invisible air because that’s all you want to be, invisible, non-existent, unknown.
Being vulnerable is hard and terrifying just as it is hard and sometimes terrifying to be around vulnerable people because both parties have an awkward air about them. Trying to do and say the right things in an effort to make the situation less uncomfortable and albeit more pleasant and optimistic. I may be going through what some may term as a quarter life crisis. And not in a graceful way if I might add. It is hard to wake up every morning and literally just hate the fact that you exist! I never thought that being born could feel like the most unfair thing that can happen. That sounds terrible but its true. I was born into a family of high achievers, surrounded by people who knew exactly what they wanted and how they were going to go about getting it. Yet none of that rubbed off on me! Sometimes its exhausting to give yourself pep talks every damn morning. Trying to get the universe to respond to the fact that I really do want things to be better and so start making things work out already!
Anyway, in light of world events, I guess I shouldn’t complain. I should count my blessings and appreciate the fact that I’m still here. And if I am still here then I am meant to be here so, Dear Me, get it together!