The thing about being an adult who doesn’t have it all together is that you’re an adult who doesn’t have it all together and almost everyone you meet will remind of you this and it is the hardest and sometimes most humiliating place to be. You find yourself constantly feeling like you have to prove yourself or explain away why you’re where you are and trying to convince everyone, if not yourself, that everything will turn out great! You’ll see! Urgh! Most of the time you wish disappearing was an option. Like literally disappearing into the thin invisible air because that’s all you want to be, invisible, non-existent, unknown.
Being vulnerable is hard and terrifying just as it is hard and sometimes terrifying to be around vulnerable people because both parties have an awkward air about them. Trying to do and say the right things in an effort to make the situation less uncomfortable and albeit more pleasant and optimistic. I may be going through what some may term as a quarter life crisis. And not in a graceful way if I might add. It is hard to wake up every morning and literally just hate the fact that you exist! I never thought that being born could feel like the most unfair thing that can happen. That sounds terrible but its true. I was born into a family of high achievers, surrounded by people who knew exactly what they wanted and how they were going to go about getting it. Yet none of that rubbed off on me! Sometimes its exhausting to give yourself pep talks every damn morning. Trying to get the universe to respond to the fact that I really do want things to be better and so start making things work out already!
Anyway, in light of world events, I guess I shouldn’t complain. I should count my blessings and appreciate the fact that I’m still here. And if I am still here then I am meant to be here so, Dear Me, get it together!
There’s so much I can feel angry at. So much I wish was different. In my life. In the world. Everywhere really. So much pent up frustrations over everything that has or will go wrong. Over the injustices I see happening. There’s days I want to just sit down and sulk. Just because everything is so exhausting. Everyone is so exhausting. There can’t possibly be a silver lining. Or so it seems. But unless being angry pushes me to positive action then what good is it? Thinking about this makes me angry too.
There’s too much darkness. Too much despair.
I am longing for a change, for this to be a bad dream, for peace of heart and mind, for a sweet escape, for things to get better and hopefully stay like that, for a happily ever after, for a world that actually cares about its people, for a chance to show that I can do it, for someone who will understand me, for the day I’ll not be judged based on ignorance, for the day I become a normal human being, for that glorious moment when I enter through the pearly gates. . .
For now I accept my lot in life.
I used to hate myself. I think maybe I still do. At least most of the time. For being ‘different’. The weird one or the odd one out. I stick out like a sore thumb for all the wrong if not unfortunate reasons. My labels thus far have been, ‘too quiet’, ‘strange’, ‘weird’, and other wordless body language related expressions.
For a world that’s constantly telling us to ‘be ourselves’ I just can’t seem to find the version of ‘myself’ that’s best suited for it. I tried speaking out more but then I was told to stop trying too hard. So I stayed quiet but then I was told to be more ‘out there’. I’ve told myself, maybe they just don’t get me. I should give it time or maybe I can change this one thing about myself and it’ll be better. Well it’s not getting better. And as I grow older this whole ‘editing-who-I-am’ thing is just wearing me out. I don’t know who ‘myself’ is. Sometimes I wish people had brains that pre explained a person. So we’d all just stop acting like we’re trying to prove something. For goodness sake, its exhausting! I’m exhausted.
I want to not care what people think about me but I need these same people to actually have a life. And it’s hard to go and get life with all this background noise. Wasting time trying to achieve an unclear state of ‘normal’.
So first impressions are important but also be unique because there’s no one else like you. There’s no one else like me. I find that statement funny. . .